Being a parent at my age forces me to think about the other person

So, I’m back. And the truth is, I had a baby. I went out for a month with chewed nipples to prove it. Eat your heart out, Mayor Pete. I think that qualifies me to run the Department of Transportation. Speaking of trans … any man who thinks wearing a wig makes you a woman, it’s not. I was there when that kid came out, and nobody can do that. You can also put on a diaper and say you are a baby or a president. But there are few things worse than a media personality with a child. And not just because you have to imagine them having sex, but they act like they’re the first people to do it, just like they invented having children.

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It’s delicious. Most new parents a few years ago would tell you that having children is selfish. How dare you bring another mouth to feed among the starving billions? Then they have kids and suddenly their precious brat is different. They went from hating children to having one they can’t wait for the revolution to pass. It amazes me that some mothers can have abortions. It’s like being a natural Benedict Arnold. Because these mothers know that having children is the best thing they will ever do. Without ironing.

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But rather than tolerating the anointing of their nappy-denying colleagues in royal indulgence, they encourage women to give up the one thing that gives them meaning in life. Without watching this show, of course. So what is the equivalent of a man? Well, think of a guy who wins a Bronze Star and says he doesn’t deserve it. Sorry, that’s the only thing he’ll remember on his deathbed. Well, that and fun with the cast of The Facts of Life. Yes, Charlotte Rae really knew how to throw a party. And yes, I compare motherhood to war because it is.

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The women make the nine-month journey and, at the end, they are full of hormones and exhaustion, making PTSD look like athlete’s foot. And for that reason, we should treat mothers as conquering warriors. But the message from many libs? Don’t have children. But if we do, it’s because our children will be better than yours. Because in the media, we pretend that everything we do is very important. But do you think my uncle Frank, the plumber, should take a month off every time his wife pushes one? Please. The young man had a plunger in his hand three minutes after cutting the umbilical cord. Come to think of it, I think you brought a plunger at birth, just in case.

So, I won’t brag. Seven billion people have gone through this. But if you’re shocked that I have a 60-year-old brat, imagine how I feel. When my wife told me she was pregnant, mine was the first diaper she had to change. It’s not easy, but it’s not the world either. The lesson I learned is how much I can learn. That is, throughout my life, I have acquired the ability to be selfish, and it has helped my career. But a good job is not difficult if you only talk about yourself. Although there are exceptions. But if you work for ten years and think about one, you can do any job without porn, because in five years you are already old.

Ask Trace Gallagher. He may be a silver fox, but you’re done with the carpet and matching drapes. So being a parent at my age forces me to learn what most of you learned in your 20s, 30s and 40s – to think about someone else. And for me that’s hard. My whole home has changed. Now someone else is sleeping in the bassinet. But a wise person told me this – once you have a child, you can’t regret anything you did before because changing the past will erase the possibility of having that child. It may be why Alec Baldwin continues to have children.

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It’s amazing. Suddenly I have no regrets after 60 years of bad behavior. So my message to you men and women. If you regret your past, have a baby. Yes. Yes. It’s easy. Almost anyone can do it. And really, kids take care of themselves. Right now, mine is sitting in a car double parked outside. Don’t worry. I rolled down the windows.